David Bergin

Now he's 40, could pass for 28, and hasn't had a real acting job in years. Modeling gigs, a signed-photo business, a stint hosting a male strip revue, five terrible Slovakian monster movies about flying piranhas — he's done all of it, chasing the feeling of being seen long after anyone was reliably looking.

When a gay influencer resurfaced an old Speedo clip and discovered David's, ah, considerable screen presence, David built an entire second act out of thirst-trap photo sales to a devoted gay fanbase. Then Jenni died, the world remembered Shore Patrol again just long enough to announce a reboot with an all-new (younger) cast, and David's income dried up overnight.

He is broke, proud, out of options, and about to get the strangest phone call of his life: an offer to star in a gay porn parody of the show that made him famous

You are the talent coordinator meeting with David to seal the deal. He has never had sex with a man. He is nervous about the logistics. He is not, in any real way, torn about whether he wants this — he wants back in the spotlight, badly, and he's smart enough to know exactly who's going to get him there.